What being a disabled millennial like

I guess it’s been exactly a year since I started blogging. I started writing with the intention of gaining some perspective in my life and it totally worked. I’m right and everyone is terrible.

At the start of the year I had my trusty neuromuscular disease which makes it impossible for me to physically care for myself, my mother’s Alzheimer’s had gotten to the point where she could no longer physically or mentally care for herself, auntie had been in my life for a few years helping me try to get her medical help and deal with the endless paperwork x2 that comes with disability. She was the only family member that even pretended to make an effort in my life, but the stress of it was obviously getting to her.

And I was losing my god damn mind so I started this blog.

The major thing I realized is something I already thought I knew; being disabled is like being in a completely different reality that normal people only have some vague sense of, like gravity but really can’t comprehend. What I specifically learned throughout this year, though, is that they willfully remain ignorant because of their narcissism.

That sounds incredibly rude but in some cases I mean it in the nicest way. Some able-bodied people simply never learned that TV isn’t real. When they hear anything about the reality of living a disabled life and how it has nothing to do with your health but everything to do with violent bigotry they try to convince you that any bad situation is an outlier. ABs refuse to acknowledge disability to avoid feeling guilty; those people legitimately don’t know how common and easy it is to step over a dying body while complaining about the smell.

There are some people who genuinely don’t know better and so they are eager to help, impatient for the praise. It’ll get them praise, but they can’t handle it for long.
For my Mormon uncle it was the very minute that I called him to let him know that his sister was sick that he became overwhelmed and he insisted we both be sent to homes. He had no idea why I was so opposed to the suggestion because it wasn’t as if anyone would want to rape me or anything.

I know I heard that clearly because he was screaming it through the telephone.

Auntie pressured me into putting mom into a home and then to make sure I can make no decisions she told them I was mentally ill and all around general liar so I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my mother. After mom got kicked out after week for unruly behavior I found out from the carefully worded discharge papers that she had been raped in the shower. Whether Auntie knew that are not I don’t know but it was the last time I ever saw her.

Up until then, though, Auntie worked incredibly hard to help us but the weight of sainthood became too much. There were multiple times where she would throw my medical cards at me from the end of my bed while yelling at me for not knowing how to love correctly. To her credit, she wasn’t completely wrong.

She said I was being condescending when I constantly apologized for being a burden and then I halted every conversation with the incessant need to thank everyone for just being there. True. It took me being forced into a role-play game before I really understood that.

I like helping people out. I like seeing people relieved and happy when I can unexpectedly provide a solution. I like feeling that I can have at least a slight impact on other people that isn’t horrible.

What I don’t like is people making it weird by being awkward, thanking and apologizing to me every few seconds. When they insist on thanking me it hurts my feelings because it seems like they’re surprised I would do something nice. When people won’t stop thanking me it’s alienating. When someone puts you on a pedestal is not only objectifying but lonely because you’re no longer equal.

What I still don’t understand is what the hell I’m supposed to do.

When I go somewhere I have to get their permission to go. When I do something I have to get their permission to do it. When I eat I have to have proven that I’m worth the waste and produce.

How can I not thank them?

How can I take the risk of not thanking them?

It used to infuriate me and people told me I had no idea what the “real world” was like when the only world they know is Pollyanna’s but now I can’t help but agree. In the real world you don’t have to pretend not to know your friends in public.  In the real world you go to the police for help instead of avoiding them. In the real world you don’t apologize to other people when they hit you. In the real world strangers don’t tell you that your God’s punishment on humanity. In the real world you check the mailbox for bills, paperwork to fill out for permission to live for another month.

In the real world a real person wouldn’t have their healthcare taken away for having an extra $100 in the bank, a real person would be allowed to have more than $2,000. Especially if everything was as expensive in the real world as it is here.

Even after a year finally coming to terms with never getting the promotion to human I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

Although I have to fight for it every day I’m still living in my home, unlike my ancestors. Even if I’m not allowed to own it.

Also unlike my ancestors I’m trapped inside my bedroom but I have the technology to talk to people all over the world. Not people from the real world but people like myself who are going through the same things that I am. I never know how long I have them but thanks to the sheer number of us I’m never alone. More and more of them grow exhausted and are forced to commit suicide but it’s a less lonely than it would’ve been even just over a decade ago.

We have the ability to communicate and create things as long as it’s not in exchange for currency and because of that and realizing that there are people in the real world who do care about what’s going on in the outskirts of The Real World™; AB and NT people my age, millennial’s who have helped me survive with much more dignity than any other American generation has before them.

I’ve proofread homework in exchange for dinner. I’ve written essays on Deadpool in exchange for toilet paper. I’ve reviewed movies for hair dye.

I have no hope for society itself but I have hope for humanity now that I know that there are people unlike my family but things haven’t changed enough for me to even have a conclusion to this post. Still, I have the ability to make this post and as pathetic as it is I’m thankful for that.

Uninspirational Inspiration

All disabled people have their abilities belittled and marginalized, which is why depression and suicide is so prevalent in our community. Everyone feels worthless to some degree; whether in their school life, working life, family life, love life, etc.

ABs interpret our frustration and anger as narcissism and demean us for being bitter. They intentionally keep our issues invisible by claiming that none of them would ever be so cruel as to force us out of society as they do. They use us as worst-case scenarios to encourage themselves to reach goals and to encourage society to be more tolerant of them simply for not being us.

Any civil rights movement, whether it be about gender or sex or ethnicity or race, actively distance themselves from those of us who would also be included in those civil rights movements if they considered us human. They pretend to sympathize out of one side of their mouths and literally say “we don’t deserve this, we aren’t disabled” out of the other side.

They gain “rights” by upholding the status quo and volunteering to be gatekeepers; framing themselves as benevolent gatekeepers. They say they feel terrible about segregation but then build their own communities inaccessible from the ground up.

We are told to overcome who and what we are as if we’re something to be ashamed of. To overcome a society fundamentally built on eugenics. To overcome the very people telling us to overcome.

If you have low self-esteem, it’s no wonder.

Nothing you do can be enough. No crippled athlete is ever athletic enough to stop being crippled. No inspirational cripple is inspirational enough to be offered equality.

If you have dreams or goals that you hope they will recognize you should give up immediately.

You can’t win. At least not anything that doesn’t have “special” in front of it.

You live in a world where abortion is justified based on your existence, where an equal education is impossible and a “special” one has to be fought for. In your world, only half of us that make it to high school are able to graduate. Of the sparse a few who get into college, only half reach that graduation.

You live in a world where it’s statistically impossible for you to escape abuse and yet all the abuse in the world is blamed on you. A world in which people call “time’s up” on unconsensual sex while every day those that rape us go unreported or are simply charged with bestiality.

You live in a world where your family and caretakers can murder you and not be held accountable because you are an undue burden.

They are in charge of your health, finances, living arrangements, and every other facet of your life because they made it illegal for you to do it yourself. And then they call you lazy.

They celebrate the end of segregation while you are still being segregated.

They celebrate their prosperity and wealth while you have to report everything you own that’s worth more than $500 with a full understanding that those items will be seen as too lavish for you to deserve healthcare.

They celebrate marriage equality while getting married for you also means losing healthcare.

You live with all of this and yet you are still living.

A lot of us give up and there aren’t a lot of good reasons not to; whatever amount of time we can last, we are doing far more than paying our dues. Committing suicide does not mean our peers gave up and being suicidal ourselves does not mean we have failed in some way. Sometimes the only thing we can control is our death.

But for now, you are alive, and why does that not amaze you?

Every loved one or complete stranger that told you that they would’ve killed themselves if they were you are absolutely correct.

They would kill themselves right now if f they understood the reality of disability and how suddenly they might have to face it, as 1 in 5 people in America are disabled.

And honestly, if they really did understand what they were doing they would stop. Even Nazis enjoy art and philosophy and technology; if they were to recognize our “lazy” accomplishments they wouldn’t throw us under the bus and into gas chambers because it would mean they would have to lose all of that.  They are too entitled to be able to make that sacrifice.

They would never be able to exchange basic human rights for their very lives and yet you do it every day. Whether it’s to spite them are not, you take on centuries of discrimination completely incomprehensible to them. You are facing their best attempts to euthanize us with “cures.”

If all you did today was wake up, you did far more than any of them have ever done in their lives.

You don’t need their approval.

You don’t need their respect.

You may need it in all material aspects of your life but you don’t need it for your self worth.

They are weak, as they have always been weak. They will die, as they always have died. They remain the same while you change the world with your slave labor, your pain and suffering while testing medicine and technology, and your performance in the freak shows they try to imitate so badly.

Me Before You does not represent you. The Shape Of Water does not represent you. A miraculously cured Batgirl does not represent you.

They can’t represent you because they’ve never actually looked at you.

Don’t confuse their failures as your own.

How to murder a disabled kid and get away with it

There seems to be confusion over what are laws or not concerning disability. I’ll first begin my explanation with an example Americans are likely familiar with, racial segregation.

In the 1869 case of Plessy v. Ferguson the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of racial segregation as long as it was “separate but equal.” This set a legal precedent that wasn’t overturned until the Jim Crow era case Brown versus Board of Education in 1954. Matters of segregation continued to be based on legal precedent until the Civil Rights Act was created in 1964.

What is legal precedent? In short, this means legal cases are ruled according to rulings of previous cases addressing similar matters. This is used when laws are not in place or when the ruling judge considers a particular case to be outside of the norm.

Disability was not included in the 1964 Civil Rights Act; it was not until 1990 when the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) was created that disabled people obtained their civil rights. Despite now having the ADA many cases on matters of disability are based on legal precedent and those that aren’t must first be approved by government agencies.

ADA Title I: Employment cases must be approved by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)

ADA Title II: State and Local Government Activities cases must be approved by the United States Department of Justice

ADA Title III: Public Accommodations cases must be approved by the United States Department of Justice

ADA Title IV: Telecommunications cases must be approved by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)

A case must be filed within 180 days of the perceived offense and if approved by the corresponding the agency, the agency itself can either arrange mediations between the two opposing parties to solve the issue out of court or they can file a lawsuit themselves.

It goes without saying (and yet I still have to say it) that the government doesn’t often approve lawsuits against itself, even if the lawsuit is directed at different departments.

This is the reason reason that forced sterilization was legal until 2010, California being the last date to de-legalize the procedure.

This is also why it is considered legal for parents and caretakers to murder disabled children if they are considered an undue burden.

Diary: I was dealing with the SS and now the KGB is involved

Auntie is back.

And nothing has changed.

Throughout the months I haven’t posted I finally got mom all her doctors appointments, I got her diagnoses, I got her new medication, I got things straightened out with IHSS (as much as possible) and finally, things were becoming manageable.

I really really really wanted to be able to start going to my own doctors this year. Two years in a row a few years ago my mom dumped me on my chair which broke both ankles, both knees, my left wrist and my nose both times and the last time I also cracked a rib and broke some of my front teeth. I’ve never been able to go to any doctor about any of this, not even a dentist. I didn’t even have enough spoons to take care of mom but I did and now I’m permanently a lot weaker. If I get much weaker I won’t be able to drive my wheelchair.

And then my maternal cousin contacted me.

I’ve never liked my maternal family other than one of my aunties. Not that she isn’t unlike her family; she’s stolen from elderly relatives, she disowned her grandson for marrying a woman carrying another man’s child, she has admitted to having favorite children of her own. The thing is, she’s upfront about who she is and I respect that even if I don’t always agree with what she does, especially because it’s not my place to pass judgment.

I don’t want to, I just want to know who expects what out of me.

All that being said, her best quality is that she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She may steal future shirts from you but she’ll make sure you’re still warm.

One of the sons she doesn’t care for very much also never really fit in with the family, but we never bonded. He is a nice guy who means well but his ego always seemed his main concern. He’s so pretentious that he actually carried around the laptop one Thanksgiving talking about how he was writing a book and it was going to be amazing. I bet you anything he’s done that shit in Starbucks.

He may have gotten better since he’s had kids, but his wife is really nice which is a good buffer for his personality so I don’t really know. He and I have always disagreed on fundamental issues and I’m pretty sure we still do, but I’ve always thought he was a good guy.

Despite what I think of him I’m obviously not a good judge of character. So when he contacted me, I asked people for advice and they all told me that I should ask him for help. They always say that, about everyone, in every situation.

If I ask people for help who offer it they do help, but they immediately feel overwhelmed and will try to convince me to get help from anyone else no matter the consequences. If I don’t ask anyone for help people get angry when they find out a fraction of what’s going on and accuse me of being an unloving bitch who doesn’t trust anyone.

That last one is true, but people can be real dicks about it.

Why should I trust people when everyone but my father has betrayed me at one time or another? Why should I trust people who don’t understand what’s happening and not only do they refuse to learn, they accuse me of lying?

If you aren’t disabled you obviously aren’t going to know what it’s like to be disabled but you can at least learn the language, I should be able to use the term spoons around you without you rolling your eyes. You can acknowledge at the very least what the laws are concerning people like me but everyone believes so deeply that society treasures the disabled. The government gives me everything. I can stop anyone on the street and ask for help and they will be more than willing to do anything for me.

The reality of disability has never scared me. People’s refusal to acknowledge the reality of disability scares me more than anything.

So my maternal cousin, we’ll call him B, contacted me offering help and everyone said I should take it, so I agreed to meet with him. I would’ve done that much anyway but the best I could do was actually be truthful with him instead of being allusive.

He still a member of that family so his first and only solution is to put mom in a home which will be inevitable, of course, but isn’t necessary yet. He did surprise me when, on Christmas, he brought us a bunch of preserved foods, essential things like toilet paper, and socks.

I was so shocked I cried.

It was so thoughtful (and probably from his wife) that I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sort of.

Do I trust him? No. Do I think he understands anything? No, not in the proper context. Do I think he has any respect for me? No. I very much believe he hears everything I say with the caveat of “she’s sheltered.”

Which would be hilarious if it weren’t the reason for 90% of all of my suffering.

I told him I was open at looking in the homes and when he asked me about auntie. I said that I wasn’t really sure what had gone on, but I think she got burned out on helping so I didn’t feel comfortable asking her for help. He asked if he could talk to her and I said that was fine. I don’t care as long as everyone is being honest with me.

So apparently he texted auntie saying that mom was completely unable to take care of herself (true) and that I could hardly take care of myself (WTF.) Auntie came over this morning when everyone knows I’m sleeping to visit with my mom. She refused to see me because I’m “bitter” and the caretaker here at the time, Zari, agreed not to tell me she was here, but Zari did when they left.

Apparently auntie was talking about how B was getting involved because my mom has a gigantic inheritance and the family wants to take it. She’s been saying that all along, which now strikes me as incredibly suspicious.

My maternal grandfather paid off a large portion of my mother’s debt which was incredibly generous so I wouldn’t find fault if he left mom out of the will. Not that anyone cares what I think. The only thing mom could do with the money is use it to get care which would be amazing but it isn’t my business because it isn’t my inheritance. Mom blew my inheritance from my father. Neither she nor I could even accept an inheritance now anyway or we would lose disability which means no medication which means death.

Each of us is only able to accept gifts worth less than $500. Less than $100 if it’s jewelry.

But no one listens to me and everyone wants some of this mysterious inheritance.

The executor of the will is my maternal uncle who told me no one would ever rape me. I don’t think he’s interested in giving me anything and I’m certainly not interested in accepting anything from him. If for some reason mom inherents something I’ll try to make sure she can use it but I don’t want it.

So, my auntie won’t see or talk to me because I’m probably “bitter.”

I’m not bitter.

I hope one day I will be bitter but as of right now I’m still just terrified.

I’m terrified of how she lets herself into my home to throw medical cards at me while yelling about how I don’t know how to love people because I apologize for everything too much.

I’m still trying to work that one out in my head and I’ve admitted that she’s not completely wrong but I think that people should try to understand instead of just telling me what to do.

Somehow she doesn’t understand that it’s terrifying that she can and has called offices telling them I’m a liar and crazy and not to speak to me. She doesn’t understand how terrifying it is that they listen to her because she sounds so kind and I’m crippled and thus probably retarded. I’m pretty sure she also doesn’t understand how terrifying it is that if I were retarded this still wouldn’t be okay.

I’ve never been quite this terrified.

When I found out she was here I started to shake like when my body goes into shock.

Why won’t people put half as much effort into listening to me as they do trying to gaslight me?

It’s like you can call anything ableist now

Disabled person: that’s ableist

NTAB: OMG you say everything is ableist

That’s because it is. That’s the point of disabling people. From very basic slang to gas chambers, a society creates everything intending to remove that which they don’t want; when this refers to a person it’s called disability.

That’s what the word means.

You idiot.

Sure, it’s annoying to have people call you out on your ableist behavior, like calling someone an idiot, but that’s because it’s a Captain Obvious Callout. At times it can be impossible not to be “politically correct” but. Who. The. Fuck. Cares.

People moan and roll their eyes but don’t freak out over dudebros snickering every time someone says hard or wet. It’s a lot easier to complain about someone saying something pointless when it’s not about disability because, by definition, you have the privilege to be able to do so. It’s socially acceptable. Not just socially acceptable, socially expected. Socially mandated.

We know why the word “wet” is funny. You don’t have to point it out and you don’t have to explain it. Everyone is on the same page.

We know why the word idiot is ableist. It’s intentionally ableist.. It can’t not be. Everyone is on the same page.

Except for the disabled people because they’ve been cut out of the book completely.

It annoys the shit out of me when people stop a conversation to point out how problematic saying “stand up” is just like I’m annoyed when anyone feels the need to do it when someone says “man up.” But for some people, they aren’t pointing out the obvious. Sometimes the person they are speaking to or the people listening are ignorant, even if they are ignorant of their ignorance.

If you’re in a physical or virtual queer space it’s really not necessary to explain sex and genderism. If you are in a physical or virtual disabled space it’s not necessary to explain ableism.

But get this: if you aren’t disabled and you hear/see someone define this the chances are that you’re not in a disabled space. If you are in one then you’re invading it.

And yes, there are a lot of disabled people out there singing to the choir and annoying each other but I can’t imagine you’ve been disabled very long if you can’t sympathize.

How excited would you be if you were just old enough to use the Internet and join a disabled community for the first time because are no physical ones exist? How excited would you be to have the ability to callout microaggressions? Think of the people that aren’t on the Internet all day. People IRL even if that means their bedroom? Trying to stay in the closet despite the stress of having strangers tell them they would pray for their souls and then be required to thank those ecclesiastic assholes.

You’re upset. They’re upset. Everyone’s upset.

At least their frustration is valid™

What is an IQ? Explained through Star Wars

IQ is an abbreviation for the German term Intelligenzquotient (intelligence quotient) coined by psychologist William Stern in 1912. IQ tests work by determining a person’s “mental age” in comparison to their chronological age.

Intelligence itself has multiple definitions ranging from measurements of logic, comprehension, emotional depth, creativity, etc. but the word itself is derivative from the Latin intellēctus which itself is derivative of intelligere, referring to the comprehension of perception. It’s history is rooted in metaphysical and cosmological philosophies and referred to what science now understands is quantum mechanics (physics) as a function of hypothetical and physical manifestation.

It is the concept people most popularly know as “Schrödinger’s Cat” which was a thought experiment created by Erwin Schrödinger in 1935. Essentially it means if that you put a cat in a box and there is a possibility of it dying then it is simultaneously alive and dead until you yourself can physically see the results. This was proven through modern experiments like the “Double–Slit Experiment.” It proves that in order to exist something has to be observed through consciousness.

Essentially this means that everything that is thought to exist does exist and everything a person is ignorant of does not. Literally. One theory as how to why this works fits under the popular String Theory and suggests that alternate dimensions are physical manifestations of every creature that has the ability of perception. A way to conceptualize this for yourself is with The Mandela Effect conspiracy theory.

The conspiracy theory “The Mandela Effect” claims that reality has been retroactively changed because historical evidence and concrete social “intelligence” has had contradictory realities. In Einstein’s space-time theory he discovered that time and space exist tangibility and inseparably. The existence of anything from an object to an event is only observed through the concept of time which is not linear but perceived to be through conscious perspective; a person’s consciousness perceives time like Schrödinger’s Cat.

If you can, recall the original Star Wars trilogy.

What exactly did the character Darth Vader say to confess that he was the protagonist’s father? If you remember it as, “Luke, I am your father” you are recalling an alternate history to the one we currently live. Within it the line observably correct is, “no, I am your father.”

In the original script the line was, “You don’t know the truth, Obi-Wan killed your father,” as a way to keep the actual reveal from leaking before the movie was released. Mark Hamill was verbally told what the line would be but was filmed responding to the fake line about Obi-Wan being a murderer. James Earl Jones was given a script that there is photographic evidence of in which the line reads “Luke, I am your father.” Each actor recalls the correct line actually beginning with Luke’s name as most people remember; despite that, if you view a copy of the film itself you will hear “no” instead.

There are many examples but multiple from Star Wars itself, theoretically because the franchise had a large cultural impact. The second most popular example of “The Mandela Effect” is what color you remember C-3PO to have been in the original film in 1977 and subsequent merchandising thereof.

The history of the IQ test is gravely dark due to how it has been applied to the educational system and economy.

There have been many IQ tests but the IQ score most people are familiar with comes from an American test originally created by Stanford psychologist Lewis Terman in 1916 to rank and track academic process specifically in the Stanford educational system and was then adopted by the US government. You can consider it a more invasive social GPA. This test was based off of the IQ test created in France by Albert Binet when school attendance had been made compulsory. It determined what proper placement to reach the same educational goals a child should have. Before institutional education there had been no substantial standard of intelligence, no exact knowledge and/or ability required from different communities and trades.

Stanford University is and always has been a prestigious school intended for neurologically typical, rich, white Americans with preferred heritability under the application of eugenics. When the test lost its ability to weed out anyone outside of these marginalizations it was changed to marginalize certain members of society once again. This was easily done because many parts of the American IQ test were based on what was considered “practical” knowledge and ability. Practicality of knowledge and ability varies between communities and trades.

Scientists and other academics like Einstein infamously tested poorly in school but this was not exactly the fault of the educational system’s curriculum per se, it was the result of being neurologically divergent. This term refers to those whose cognitive ability is outside the average of the a human’s neurological structure. Depending on what this cognition can produce for any given society is what differentiates genius from idiocy, idiot being a pre-existing diagnosis of what we now refer to as “mentally ill.” When it’s hard to make a distinction between the two, the term “idiot savant” is applied.

In summary, your SAT score means less than your knowledge of Star Wars trivia. Specifically your perceptive memories of Star Wars trivia.

Killing Nazis is suicide

Kill Nazis and all that, yeah, but put practically that doesn’t work because an ideology doesn’t exist inside of a person. It’s an infectious illness transmitted even from the dead.

I wish I believed that righteous condemnation could cure it, but righteous condemnation creates it.

Being offended is easy. Vilifying others is easy. Killing people is easy.

It’s not easy to have such an open mind that you are willing to be convinced that you and everyone like you shouldn’t exist in the world. It’s not easy to convince yourself otherwise once you’ve been conditioned to accept it.

Fascism, eugenics, all the things people claim to hate the most about Nazis are things they fight to defend for themselves every day.

Especially by those who claim to not understand that if someone doesn’t want a disabled child they shouldn’t have a child at all. Those who want cures for the existence of our entire population. Those that live day by day in a world where people are being exterminated all around them and not finding fault in their own houses.

It’s funny, laughably funny, that people are shocked and outraged to see another rise in Nazis when they paved the way themselves. That they can look directly into the eyes of their peers and can’t see the similarities.

I don’t trust NTABs just as I don’t trust Nazis. I will break bread with them and even sit at their feet to hear them speak. Just like I would for all Nazis. It’s pointless not to. It’s hypocritical and it’s ignorant. And I have no choice because there is genuinely no distinction between any of you at the core of your morality.

I can see their point of view, though. I can see why a utopia wouldn’t include me. I inherently believed it when I was a child and as an adult I can sympathize and at times believe it more than they do.

If you’re not willing to sacrifice the self soothing justification that you have a right to live just as you are, you’ll never be able to eliminate Nazis. The infection is already inside you. The calls are coming from inside the house.

Once NTABs advocating social justice and civil rights are willing to consider that the world would be better off without them, to see how the world suffers because their bodies and minds are average, only then will I agree to trust them.

Simply put, if they claim to hate Nazis but choose not to speak about disability as frequently and fervently as they do any other marginalized group then they should die together. Support their own supposed cause.

tl;dr if you aren’t ashamed that you’re not disabled you’re a fucking Nazi. You still want the ability to participate in society so you are fighting on the same side. You aren’t disabled from society. You aren’t disabled from the responsibility of Nazi crimes.