Diary: I was dealing with the SS and now the KGB is involved

Auntie is back.

And nothing has changed.

Throughout the months I haven’t posted I finally got mom all her doctors appointments, I got her diagnoses, I got her new medication, I got things straightened out with IHSS (as much as possible) and finally, things were becoming manageable.

I really really really wanted to be able to start going to my own doctors this year. Two years in a row a few years ago my mom dumped me on my chair which broke both ankles, both knees, my left wrist and my nose both times and the last time I also cracked a rib and broke some of my front teeth. I’ve never been able to go to any doctor about any of this, not even a dentist. I didn’t even have enough spoons to take care of mom but I did and now I’m permanently a lot weaker. If I get much weaker I won’t be able to drive my wheelchair.

And then my maternal cousin contacted me.

I’ve never liked my maternal family other than one of my aunties. Not that she isn’t unlike her family; she’s stolen from elderly relatives, she disowned her grandson for marrying a woman carrying another man’s child, she has admitted to having favorite children of her own. The thing is, she’s upfront about who she is and I respect that even if I don’t always agree with what she does, especially because it’s not my place to pass judgment.

I don’t want to, I just want to know who expects what out of me.

All that being said, her best quality is that she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She may steal future shirts from you but she’ll make sure you’re still warm.

One of the sons she doesn’t care for very much also never really fit in with the family, but we never bonded. He is a nice guy who means well but his ego always seemed his main concern. He’s so pretentious that he actually carried around the laptop one Thanksgiving talking about how he was writing a book and it was going to be amazing. I bet you anything he’s done that shit in Starbucks.

He may have gotten better since he’s had kids, but his wife is really nice which is a good buffer for his personality so I don’t really know. He and I have always disagreed on fundamental issues and I’m pretty sure we still do, but I’ve always thought he was a good guy.

Despite what I think of him I’m obviously not a good judge of character. So when he contacted me, I asked people for advice and they all told me that I should ask him for help. They always say that, about everyone, in every situation.

If I ask people for help who offer it they do help, but they immediately feel overwhelmed and will try to convince me to get help from anyone else no matter the consequences. If I don’t ask anyone for help people get angry when they find out a fraction of what’s going on and accuse me of being an unloving bitch who doesn’t trust anyone.

That last one is true, but people can be real dicks about it.

Why should I trust people when everyone but my father has betrayed me at one time or another? Why should I trust people who don’t understand what’s happening and not only do they refuse to learn, they accuse me of lying?

If you aren’t disabled you obviously aren’t going to know what it’s like to be disabled but you can at least learn the language, I should be able to use the term spoons around you without you rolling your eyes. You can acknowledge at the very least what the laws are concerning people like me but everyone believes so deeply that society treasures the disabled. The government gives me everything. I can stop anyone on the street and ask for help and they will be more than willing to do anything for me.

The reality of disability has never scared me. People’s refusal to acknowledge the reality of disability scares me more than anything.

So my maternal cousin, we’ll call him B, contacted me offering help and everyone said I should take it, so I agreed to meet with him. I would’ve done that much anyway but the best I could do was actually be truthful with him instead of being allusive.

He still a member of that family so his first and only solution is to put mom in a home which will be inevitable, of course, but isn’t necessary yet. He did surprise me when, on Christmas, he brought us a bunch of preserved foods, essential things like toilet paper, and socks.

I was so shocked I cried.

It was so thoughtful (and probably from his wife) that I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sort of.

Do I trust him? No. Do I think he understands anything? No, not in the proper context. Do I think he has any respect for me? No. I very much believe he hears everything I say with the caveat of “she’s sheltered.”

Which would be hilarious if it weren’t the reason for 90% of all of my suffering.

I told him I was open at looking in the homes and when he asked me about auntie. I said that I wasn’t really sure what had gone on, but I think she got burned out on helping so I didn’t feel comfortable asking her for help. He asked if he could talk to her and I said that was fine. I don’t care as long as everyone is being honest with me.

So apparently he texted auntie saying that mom was completely unable to take care of herself (true) and that I could hardly take care of myself (WTF.) Auntie came over this morning when everyone knows I’m sleeping to visit with my mom. She refused to see me because I’m “bitter” and the caretaker here at the time, Zari, agreed not to tell me she was here, but Zari did when they left.

Apparently auntie was talking about how B was getting involved because my mom has a gigantic inheritance and the family wants to take it. She’s been saying that all along, which now strikes me as incredibly suspicious.

My maternal grandfather paid off a large portion of my mother’s debt which was incredibly generous so I wouldn’t find fault if he left mom out of the will. Not that anyone cares what I think. The only thing mom could do with the money is use it to get care which would be amazing but it isn’t my business because it isn’t my inheritance. Mom blew my inheritance from my father. Neither she nor I could even accept an inheritance now anyway or we would lose disability which means no medication which means death.

Each of us is only able to accept gifts worth less than $500. Less than $100 if it’s jewelry.

But no one listens to me and everyone wants some of this mysterious inheritance.

The executor of the will is my maternal uncle who told me no one would ever rape me. I don’t think he’s interested in giving me anything and I’m certainly not interested in accepting anything from him. If for some reason mom inherents something I’ll try to make sure she can use it but I don’t want it.

So, my auntie won’t see or talk to me because I’m probably “bitter.”

I’m not bitter.

I hope one day I will be bitter but as of right now I’m still just terrified.

I’m terrified of how she lets herself into my home to throw medical cards at me while yelling about how I don’t know how to love people because I apologize for everything too much.

I’m still trying to work that one out in my head and I’ve admitted that she’s not completely wrong but I think that people should try to understand instead of just telling me what to do.

Somehow she doesn’t understand that it’s terrifying that she can and has called offices telling them I’m a liar and crazy and not to speak to me. She doesn’t understand how terrifying it is that they listen to her because she sounds so kind and I’m crippled and thus probably retarded. I’m pretty sure she also doesn’t understand how terrifying it is that if I were retarded this still wouldn’t be okay.

I’ve never been quite this terrified.

When I found out she was here I started to shake like when my body goes into shock.

Why won’t people put half as much effort into listening to me as they do trying to gaslight me?

Author: gimpunk

Born with MD; developed, osteoporosis, IBS, PTSD, depression. Sole caretaker of mother with aggressive Alzheimer's. Stereotypical millennial queer. Unpaid indie writer (Terminally Beautiful, Loath Letters, Accessible Love Stories) currently on a break, trying to stay out of a home.

2 thoughts on “Diary: I was dealing with the SS and now the KGB is involved”

  1. I am familiar with the lie told to people who “over apologize”.Somehow they think that self love = ability to love others and that showing fear twards someone means that you don’t and can’t love tham.
    What you have been through sounds really scary. I hope things will improve soon.


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